Snowball rolling downhill...

President Hinckley said, “I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well being of one’s companion.” This quote has caused me to reflect upon the importance of turning toward each other in a marriage, instead of away. Gottman has seen through extensive research that those couples who engage in lots of interaction tend to remain happy.

I am reminded of a time a few years back when my family and I went on a snow trip. On one particular day during our vacation, we climbed to a very steep hill to go sledding. (You may be asking yourself what this experience has to do with marriage, but keep reading.) As we reached the top of the steep hill, we began making little snowballs. We began rolling these snowballs down this large hill. The snowballs kept rolling down the hill and as they did so, they got bigger and bigger. It was amazing! These little snowballs turned into balls of snow that were more than 6 feet tall! Gottman said, “Turning toward operates under a law of positive feedback- like a snowball rolling downhill, it can start small yet generate enormous results.” We are taught in the scriptures that, “it is by small and simple things that great things are brought to pass” (Alma 37:6-7). By paying attention to those “bids” that couples make, turning toward each other, and by looking for quiet ways to serve, we are able to keep our marriages alive and flourishing.

We all know that we are not perfect. We each have challenges and trials, but we can have full confidence that our Heavenly Father has put us together with partners and life experiences that help us grow toward godhood. Goddard made a great point by saying that anytime we are faced with irritations and disappointments, Heavenly Father is giving a chance for us to become more like him. We can repent, change, and become better! Isn’t that our end goal, to become perfected like our Savior? That is why it is vital to look beyond the here and now and to have an eternal perspective.

Now the question is what can my spouse and I do to put God first in our lives this week? How can we continue to create shared meaning and goals? I invite each of us to pray and ponder these questions so that we can have unity in our marriages.

Ezra Taft Benson said, “As we put God first, all other things will fall into their proper place.” I know that as we look outside of ourselves, look for small and simple acts of service everyday, and have an eternal perspective, then we will be happy in our marriages. We start small, like a small snowball, but these small and simple acts will yield great results. How grateful I am that we are not required to be perfect here in this life. We are, however, required to try our best and have faith that all will work out. Our goal is to have a happy marriage that will last for eternity.

Priority (singular)

I love that Gottman uses the word priority to describe how important it is to put your spouse first. Marriage is all about making the other person your priority. My husband and I recently attended a conference here at BYU-Idaho called “Power 2 Become.” One of the speakers spoke about the word “priority.” He mentioned that the definition of the word priority is a thing that is regarded as more important than the other. If priority is focused on one thing, then how is it that we can have priorities? The speaker at this conference emphasized the importance of having only one priority and according to Gottman, our priority should be our spouse. No matter how busy our lives can be, our marriages must be our first priority.

This week, I also enjoyed reading chapter 4 of Gottman’s book about the studies that have been shown of marital satisfaction and dissatisfaction from the birth of the first baby. My husband and I are newlyweds and we hope to start our family in the near future. People often tell us that once the first baby comes, everything changes. I understand that there are many changes that take place, but we constantly hear that many people become dissatisfied in their marriage when they become parents. Of course, we want to do everything possible to keep our marriage strong when this event takes place in our lives. It was so refreshing to read that 33 percent of couples did not experience this decline in marital satisfaction, but they actually saw their marriages improve! Why? It is because they had detailed love maps from the beginning. These love maps protected their marriage and helped it flourish during the crazy and exciting times of life. As we can see, it is so important to keep each other up to date and be very aware of what we are thinking and feeling. Learning this has been a breath of fresh air to me.

I know that by making marriage a priority, a couple can create those important detailed love maps. I also know that those couples who have detailed love maps of each other’s world are far better prepared to cope with the stresses of this life. My grandpa always told his children and grandchildren that marriage is W-O-R-K! I agree with him because marriage is work! It takes time, effort, patience, and love. In the end, it pays off to have a strong marriage.

Friendship vs. Fighting

Gottman says that the heart of happy marriages is based on a “deep friendship.” A “deep friendship” means a mutual respect for an enjoyment of each other’s company. When I think of a couple who has a deep friendship, I think of my parents. They are very well versed in each other’s likes and dislikes and their hopes and dreams. It does not matter what they are doing but as long as they are together, they are having fun. My parents have set such a good example for me in showing me how I want my marriage to be. Growing up and even to this day, I see my parents talking with one another multiple times throughout the day whether it be talking on the phone, texting, or leaving sweet love notes for each other. They have a sincere desire to know what is going on in their spouses’ daily routine. I have seen that it's these small, but important acts that’s help fuel the flame of romance. Friendship is indeed the key to a happy marriage.

I loved the example that Gottman used about the couple who had a deep friendship. Of course, couples with this kind of relationship get in disagreements. This couple, in particular, was arguing about one reason or another. In the middle of their heated discussion, the wife randomly put her hands on her hips and imitated their four year old by sticking out her tongue. The husband knew exactly what she was going to do, so he stuck out his tongue first. They both started laughing and this funny action totally released some tension. Although there are disagreements, it is a great idea to use repair attempts as a secret weapon. Gottman says that this is a marriage that will flourish. Marriages must learn to deal with conflict in healthy ways so that it does not negatively affect their friendship.

None of us are perfect. We will never be perfect here in this life but we must learn to follow the perfect example of Jesus Christ. I loved reading about the parable in Bible about the Good Samaritan and how Goddard related that to our lives today. The third passerby was a Samaritan. As we know from the parable, this Good Samaritan cared for the injured man. We can relate this response to our daily lives as we strive to be good husbands, wives, etc. This Samaritan was looking for someone in need and it was not just happen stance that he had bandages with him. He was prepared to serve. Sometimes it will not be easy, but we can act as the Good Samaritan in our marriages. Goddard asked, “How do we react when someone blames and attacks us? Do we minister with love and patience?” Those are the golden questions of the day. Do we focus on the good in our marriages rather than the bad? Do we do things that help build our friendship with our spouse? Lastly, do we express our love often? Marriage is all about being unselfish and thinking about the other person's needs first. I know that as we act as the Savior would, then we will be blessed with a great desire to serve, love, and let go of pride. Friendship is better than fighting.